“I Was Too Sexy To Be President,” Hillary Tells CUNY Grads

VEN (NEW YORK) — As part of her commencement speech at CUNY on June 8, Mrs Clinton blamed her good looks, charm, and uncanny fashion sense as having negatively impacted her bid to become the 45th President of the United States.

“You beautiful ladies out there — and you are all beautiful ladies — if you want to be taken hillary-baldseriously in politics don’t do what I did — you need to throw away your makeup, stop exercising, eat whatever you want, wear an adult diaper if need be,  and always ALWAYS . . . commit to making yourself look as drab and unassuming as humanly possible!

“Most important, don’t obsess about couture.  Buy things off the rack at Dress Barn and Target, shop at Goodwill.  Forget about Isabelle Goetz, go to Quick Cuts instead.  Throw away your Prada’s and Manolo Blahnik’s, get whatever’s on sale at Famous Footwear or The Shoe Warehouse.

“And  ladies — I can’t stress this enough —  perhaps the most important advice I can givehrc-drevil-rodham you today, as you look out on a world of endless opportunities that awaits you — whatever else you do, do not allow yourself to be led astray by unrealistic, misogynistic  expectations about the wonders of electrolysis (it hurts, let me tell you!), your dress size (not everyone can be a size two like Amy Schumer and me), and  — perhaps most important of all —  the ridiculous and hurtful (yes hurtful) emphasis today on so-called integrity and personal hygiene!

“If you don’t want to shower for weeks or months at a time, if you want to stay home all day in Old Navy underwear drinking boxed wine and watching Headline News with the curtains drawn, if you don’t want to answer your phone or talk to your husband or daughter, then don’t let anyone tell you you can’t do that!

“You can do that!  You can do anything!”

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