VEN (KABUL) — Taliban leaders are threatening to behead French-Canadian IED advisor Marcel Leblanc after he instructed a team of anti-American Mujahideen “freedom fighters” to drive into a mine field, killing almost everyone.
“The map, she was upside down,” Leblanc explained to reporters Friday. “You hand me the map that way, then — well — it’s hard to expect a good result. This time, a bigger hammer — she would not make a difference.”
The Taliban, however, see things differently.
“We are declaring a fatwah on French Canadians,” a leading mullah told VEN. “The are worse than a thousand MOABs! About half of our hot water faucets are now on the right. Every cave has a dropped ceiling that is too low. The ground around each camp is covered in discarded Slim Jim wrappers. And I swear by Allah, if I see another overweight man in his 60’s in a speedo or one more bowl of fried potatoes with cheese curd and gravy I’m going to behead myself!”
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 