VEN (WASHINGTON) — Russian-backed, literally Hitler, white-supremacist, misogynistic, psychotic, too-dumb-to-be-president President Donald Trump revealed on Twitter Friday that a special research team he staffed during the first two weeks of his administration and kept under wraps until now has developed a “bulletproof” cure for cancer that costs less than 10.00 USD.
As one researcher told VEN, “It’s beyond amazing! It works on any cancer at any stage — even stage 4 small cell squamous lung cancer and advanced pancreatic cancer without any side-effects! It’s as important a discovery as splitting the atom, but infinitely better since it prolongs rather than destroys life. And it costs almost nothing!”
Democrats, led by perfect SAT scoring Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY), were quick to condemn the President’s announcement, calling for Mr Trump’s impeachment.
“If true — and believe me, I have my doubts — there is absolutely no way American scientists could have done this without extensive help from the Russians,” Mr Schumer told reporters at a hastily called press conference Saturday.
“Now we know why the President refuses to release his tax returns! Because he doesn’t want us to see that he’s been heavily invested in Russian cancer research — probably for decades!”
Senator John McCain (D-AZ) agreed:
“After Donald’s unprecedented Nixonian firing of one of the most well-respected directors in the history of the FBI, I said there would be more shoes to drop from the Russian investigation. I just no idea it would be so soon. This is very damaging to the presidency. I called Donald earlier today and told him the best thing he can do for the country now is to immediately resign!”
Congresswoman Maxine Watters (D-CA) was equally strident, “This so-called Russian cancer cure is only for white males over the age of 35 who earn more than $250,000.00 a year. There is no place for racial profiling in modern medicine! This is Tuskegee all over again! This president is a racist and needs to be removed from office NOW!”
Even longtime Trump celebrity adversary, Rosie O’Donnell weighed in on the controversy, tweeting out early Saturday, ” I used to hope Trump would get cancer and die. Now I guess I’ll have to settle for a heart attack! #ImpeachTrump”