VEN (SEOUL) — Anonymous sources tell VEN that the World’s Most Supreme And Majestic Leader’s bellicose, jingoistic posturing towards the United States may in fact be nothing more than Kim Jong-un’s awkward attempt to get President Trump’s attention.
“Like his father Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un has always admired President Trump, and had cable installed in his residence so he could watch not only The Apprentice, but Miss Universe and Zoolander.
“But it goes deeper than that. Whereas the father admired Mr Trump as a strong-willed businessman and entrepreneur, his son’s interest, by contrast, runs more to the shall-we-say …. amatory.
“To put it bluntly, Kim Jong-un is in love with President Trump, and wants to displace Melania and become First Lady of the United States. This was the message conveyed to President Trump by China’s President Xi Jinping, when he visited Mr Trump at Mar-a-Lago in early April.
“Mr Trump thought that Mr Xi Jinping was joking, which was not well received in Pyongyang.
“The Supreme Leader flew into a rage, ripped up his copy of The Art Of The Deal, and ordered 500 pigs slaughtered after gluing blonde wigs to their heads.
“So the irony here is that we could conceivably be on the brink of a nuclear war as the result of a sweet boy’s unrequited homo-erotic infatuation with a tough, virile American president, a kind of kimchi-styled amour fou with potentially devastating consequences.”