Tired? Depressed? Just lost your job? Or wish you had a job to lose? Significant other making you wish you were in Pyongyang or Poland? Seeing dead relatives when you’re wide awake? Obsessively reliving every embarrassing moment in your entire life, including that time in the first grade when you were in the cloakroom all alone in the dark and thought it would be a good idea to …. well, you get the idea.
So in low tide times like these who do you turn to — your friends? But are they really your friends? Will they really listen? Or are they only pretending to be your friends so they can take advantage of you again, so they can dismiss your problems and try to get you to help them with theirs?
Who’s left then? Psychologists? Life Coaches? Your Mother? Fail. Fail. And REALLY Fail.
In fact, if you still think confiding in your mother is a good thing, then you need to realize right now that the reason you’ve become this soul-less, defeated, purposeless, glassy-eyed creature who mind-numbingly plays Sudoku or watches endless reruns of NCIS and FRIENDS, is due in large part to the terrifying death curse your so-called mother put on you before you were even born!
That’s why I started NEW BEGINNINGS, to break that maternal curse, to free you from your own personal wicked witch, and to start you on the ennobling path of personal healing and re-souling.
We are not a 12-step program. We do not medicate. There is no taking of personal inventories. And no matter how much you pay us, we will never ever pretend to be your friend.
Instead, through our intensive, revolutionary proto-hygenic therapy — based on the hermetic protocols of the ancient Teutonic healers (which include fasting, late-night emetic counseling, and healthy amounts of grain alcohol mixed with rainwater) — we will expel all of your maternal daemons, purify your soul, and rebirth you during a majestic fire and laser-light ceremony (complete with Wagnerian leitmotif and licensed choreography), so that once and for all — with our help — you can finally become that likable person you’ve always wanted to be!
NEW BEGINNINGS. Where every duckling becomes a swan. Because everyone deserves a new beginning!
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 