VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) — In what many are calling a bizarre rewriting of Robert Lewis Stevenson’s pirate adventure classic Treasure Island, the entire VEN newsroom — including managing editor Perry White and Pulitzer Prize winning investigative reporter Carl Kolchack — were abducted by the notorious Radical Queer P. Hat Diversity Squad of California’s We So Woke Ministry of Justice in late April, and held captive on Treasure Island in the middle of San Francisco bay for over six months while forced to engage in “re-education and right-think re-orientation-trans-phobic-anti-toxic-masculine-white-privilege/supremacy-neo-colonial-crypto-fascist-kill-the-farmer-kill-the-farmer-reparations-now-open-borders-free-healthcare-for-all-I-like-me-some-jelly-on-my-roll-gender-fluid-save-the-planet-orange-man-bad-you-didn’t-build-that-some-people-did-something-impeach-Trump-NOW! radical re-training.”
“We were kept blindfolded for most of the time,” Mr White explained to reporters late Tuesday from an undisclosed location somewhere on Little Saint James island, “and forced to listen to audio recordings of James Earl Jones reading Maya Angelou’s poetry. It was excruciating!”
The entire newsroom managed to escape when cub reporter and life-long Clint Eastwood fan James Bartholmew Olson re-enacted the plot from Escape From Alcatraz, fashioning pretend heads out of locally-grown-quinoa-coated-organic gourds from Whole Foods, and making a giant raft out of free-trade hemp rags sewn together with braided human hair and given a waterproof coating of Perfect Keto Nut Butter spread that the reporters hoarded from their appropriately-portioned 100%-certified-vegan-friendly 10 micro-meals/day.
“We used the Birkenstocks they gave us for buoyancy,” Mr Olson explained. “And made our way to the beach while our captors got stoned watching Cuomo Prime Time on CNN.”
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