GERONIMO! — Liz Tells Kim Free HealthCare For NOKO!

VEN (CAMBRIDGE) — Former Cherokee Indian and serial plagiarist Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), reached out to North Korean strong man Kim Jong-un late Sunday through Soros back-channel ASIAPAC intermediaries, offering his country free health care and a potential path to American citizenship in return for Mr Jong-un’s agreement to continue his ballistic missile tests and increase his nuclear weapons program 10 fold.

As part of the deal, Ms Warren offered NOKO immediate technical assistance with their nuclear weapons program from Iran and Pakistan up to and including clandestine shipments of enriched plutonium from the Ukraine, as a result of an 11th hour three-nation coalition agreement that former Secretary of State John Kerry is credited with brokering with help from former shadow president Valerie Jarrett, her CIA director John Brennan, and the powerful international influence peddling crypto-pedo pay-for-play you-aint-seen-nothin-yet Clinton Foundation.

While Republicans have remained mostly silent, Democrats were ecstatic over the proposed deal — especially those running for President of Mexico in 2020.

From his campaign headquarters in Juarez, Mexico, a tearful pretend Mexican and drunk-driving scofflaw Robert O’Rourke told Telemundo that this was the first time in his life that he felt like a true Pan-American (verdadero gringo loco panamericano).

Even confirmed bachelor Mitt Romney (R-UT) broke ranks with fellow conservatives hailing the offer as “a great victory for world peace that restores a much-needed balance of power to the region.”

“I’m bringing the world together again!” a triumphant Ms Warren told reporters outside The Trophy Room in Boston’s South End, Monday morning. “With help from dedicated allies like Pakistan and Iran, we will break the back of American exceptionalism once and for all! Mr Trump — you didn’t build that!”

When pressed by VEN‘s Senior Gender-fluid Political Correspondent Cameron Feltcher, Ms Warren dismissed the civil lawsuit filed by veteran actor Nick Nolte, accusing the Senator of culturally mis-appropriating Mr Nolte’s likeness as nothing more than more “alt right #MeToo harassment of a strong, vocal Latina woman who stands up for the little guy, por todas las personas que deseen ser libres!”

Editor’s Note — Ms Warren recently discovered that she is part Puerto Rican on her father’s side, based on family stories of her inherent laziness and two recently discovered Jai Alai ticket stubs found under the dust jacket of her first edition of the Pow Wow Chow Cookbook, to which Ms Warren contributed her great-great-grandmother’s original Cherokee recipes for Confit de Canard, Ratatouille, and Coquilles Saint-Jacques à la Crème et aux Champignons.

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