VEN (WISCONSIN) — Running low on beta-blockers and forced to substitute crystal meth for crack cocaine, a frenetic Barry Soetoro readied himself before addressing an audience of well over 200 Democrats at Milwaukee’s North Division High School Gymnasium Friday.
“Barry Soetoro, as the former president wishes to be referred to now, is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life,” spokesperson John Yerkes Iselin told reporters outside the high school Friday, where a line of vocal supporters — many dressed as vaginas and several carrying signs that read F*CK AMERICA and AMERICA WAS NEVER GREAT — waited impatiently for the gymnasium doors to open.
“We’re just thrilled that he’s bringing his anti-American message back to Milwaukee!” an overjoyed transgendered Obama supporter told VEN‘s Senior Political Analyst Bennett Marco.
“As for these racist Trump anti-Semites across the street waving their American flags like a bunch of Nazis, all I have to say is I never had chlamydia until Trump became president!”
Hillary Clinton supporter Karl Frodermann agreed.
“In the two years since that orange racist son-of-a-bitch has been president, I’ve had three flat tires. And my wife just left me for a cis-gendered toxic male soy-adverse white supremacist who self-identifies as a Marine!
“What the f*ck’s next — closed borders and voter ID? Hell, I just got told I can’t use the women’s bathroom anymore at work!”
Meanwhile behind the gymnasium in the girls’ locker room, Mr Soetoro passed the time by playing a game of solitaire with his almost constant companion and former foreign affairs advisor, Dr Yen Lo.
“Unfortunately Mr Soetoro cannot be interviewed at this time,” Dr Lo explained to devastated reporters, some of whom were pleading for a chance just to catch a glimpse of the former president.
“Every time I see him,” MSNBC‘s Katy Tur exclaimed tearfully, “I fall in love again!”
But Dr Lo was unrelenting.
“Barry simply cannot be disturbed! He is practicing his Negro accent and doing — I mean running — lines with his body man, Buck Angel.”
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