VEN (SAN FRANCISCO) — In 2010, Pepe Gonzales, a moderately successful self-employed pharmaceutical salesman and native of Juarez, Mexico first came to the United States in the trunk of a late-model Chevrolet Impala.
“I was so excited! I was 25 but looked only 15, and it was always my dream to someday migrate to El Norte where I planned to become a big movie star like Leo Carrillo!”
Unfortunately for Mr Gonzales, fate took him in a different direction.
After injuring himself in an unsuccessful attempt to liberate a 50″ wide-screen plasma TV from a Best Buy in Alameda — he decided to make San Francisco his new home.
“I hurt my back running away from the Federales, and dropped the TV on my foot breaking it in two places. After that it was almost impossible to make a living, illegally or otherwise.
“That’s when my friends in the ACLU explained to me that not only could I get free healthcare at the ER, but with their help I could sue Best Buy for mucho dinero — more money than I had ever seen, they told me — because the TV was an attractive nuisance to a young undocumented alien such as myself.
“They also explained how to register for SSI, how to get an EBT card and how to apply for free housing. Dios Mio! It was as if I died and was in the gringo heaven!”
In his spare time, Mr Gonzales began pan handling on SOMA and Market Street, where — from time to time — using high-pressure sales techniques he learned growing up in Juarez — he would aggressively solicit old people and tourists who stopped to ask him directions for contributions to his burgeoning college fund.
That’s when he had his epiphany.
“If you are brandishing your machete for several hours and need to go to the bathroom and there is no bathroom to go to, what do you do?
“This was a big problem for me at that time. And the closest Starbucks was 20 blocks away.
“Suddenly God spoke to me and said in a loud voice, Pepe! Pendejo! That’s what the sidewalks are for! Why else would they be there? The gringo has provided you with everything you need!”
San Francisco mayor London Breed agrees.
“Ain’t nobody gonna tell these undocumented citizens who has been victimized by white supremacists since they full-on stole California from Mexico 400 years ago that they can’t go number two in the number one sanctuary city in the world!”
To underscore her point, the Mayor and several of her aides simultaneously relieved themselves on the sidewalk in front of City Hall while a large crowd of admirers led by Mr Gonzales cheered them on.
“What a great day to be alive!” Mr Gonzales told reporters. “Now that I can vote legally, I would vote for her twice if I could. And who knows — with God’s help, maybe I will!”
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