VEN (ROME) — Speaking un-ex cathedra on Holy Wednesday while John Lennon’s Imagine played in the background, Red Pope Francis — possibly high on ibogaine or (according to Vatican insiders) amyl nitrate, the papal drug of choice — once again broke with Catholic orthodoxy by claiming that unrepentant mortal sinners aren’t condemned to an everlasting life of Eternal Damnation in Hell as taught in the Catechism — instead their souls simply “disappear.”
Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Antonio “The Little Paraclete” Braggiole explained to reporters Thursday, that Hell and Eternal Damnation are outdated concepts that are “scaring the fu**ing bejesus” out of pedophiles, who — fearing for their souls — are no longer considering the priesthood as a viable vocation.
“You got these guys becoming TV weathermen now, politicians, guidance counselors, or like the song says, just– you know — hangin’ out at the f^^^in YMCA. I mean what the f^^^ was His Holiness supposed to do? Tell these mooks to read Dante and take cold showers? Marone! Like that’s gonna f^^^in solve anything!
“So after a couple of sit downs with the Cardinals Frankie decides — what the f^^^– maybe that fruitcake Lennon was right. We get rid of hell, we get rid of damnation, we bring the fagatinos back maybe we can keep goin’ for another two tree hunart years. I mean what f^^^in choice did he have, for Christ Sake? We’re losin’ over a million USD a day.
“So a few hunert tousand little boys keep gettin hurt. Is that bad? Sure it’s bad. But we got no choice.
“Like Cardnial Law used to say, it’s just the cost of doin business!”
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