VEN (SEOUL) — After the public execution in mid-March of General Kim Hong-Ji — close advisor and confidant to volatile NOKO President Kim Jong-un — for allegedly befouling a state dinner by “willfully expelling from his person a most shockingly vile, noxious, tear-inducing, effluvious substance” in defiance of a new law prohibiting such acts, North Koreans are abandoning their national dish Kimchi by the hundreds of thousands increasing fears of malnutrition and mass starvation.
An outraged former President Barack Obama is calling on the United Nations to sanction President Trump and the United States under Chapter VII of the United Nations Charter for “inhumane acts of state-sponsered terrorism” against the North Korean people.
The reason for such an unprecidented request by a former president agasint his own country? President Trump’s equally unprecedented embargo on much-needed carminatives headed to the tiny gastrointestinally distressed hermit nation.
NOKO watcher and Senior Brookings Institute Fellow Claude Billings tells VEN‘s Senior Neo-Conservative Correspondent Buck Turgidson that far from being an unintended consequence, President Trump’s trade sanctions were specifically designed to severely impact North Korea’s ability to acquire carminatives in order to force Kim Jong-un to the negotiating table.
“Everyone’s talking about oil, when the real problem for NOKO is their sudden lack of carminatives. Couple that with a diet of kimchi and their new anti-flatulence law and you’re looking at an extremely dystopic situation.
“That secret train that went to China — it was filled with gold, and was supposed to come back to Pyongyang with over 500, 000 metric tonnes of cinnamon, ginger, and fennel.
“But Trump threatened [Chinese President] Xi Jinping with sanctions, so Kim left China more or less empty-handed with maybe a few hundred cases of Chinese TUMS — Tops! — for his own personal use. And who knows if that stuff actually works? I mean it’s probably mostly melamine, sawdust, and glue.
“To put this in perspective — if NOKO still had access to carminatives, General Kim Hong-Ji would still be alive, the starving North Koreans would still be eating Kimchi, and no way Kim is talking to Trump in Helsinki in May.
“Ann Coulter may be calling Trump a shallow, lazy, ignoramous who betrrayed his supporters by signing the 1.3 Trillion (USD) Progressive Spending Bill and not building the much-touted Wall with Mexico, but let me tell you something — this kimchi-carminative gambit is three-dimensional chess at its best!
“No one saw this coming!”
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