VEN (INDIA) — Booze-addled, unpleasingly-plump, sociopathic former Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton, saw her five-year pay-for-play deal with Franzia boxed wines evaporate Sunday, after falling down drunk twice last week while visiting India — once while descending the Jahaz Mahal palace steps too quickly and being thrown off-balance by her astonishingly rotund unSpanxable pot belly, and a second time in her embarrassingly spacious resort bathtub while over-aggressively shrimping longtime sapphic gal-pal Huma Abedin.
“We admire Mrs Clinton,” Franzia spokesperson Aldo Cella told reporters Sunday, “but our boxed wine brand has a certain image to uphold that is — well — just not commensurate with public drunkenness, unfortunately.”
However, Franzia‘s loss looks like E & J Gallo Winery‘s gain, as executives there were quick to open negotiations with Mrs Clinton, who they believe would be a perfect fit for their exclusive line of affordably priced “bum wines.”
As an E & J Gallo executive explained to VEN‘s Senior Wine Correspondent Sonny LaTierri:
“We had a series of unfortunate experiences with Michelle Obama, who we thought was the perfect spokesperson for our Thunderbird offering, but — unfortunately — we had a hard time keeping her sober through the long commercial shoots.
“She and her mother would start drinking early in the morning and get into arguments with the director and crew and each other. Quite frankly, it was a nightmare.
“But Mrs Clinton is a pro! She falls down, breaks bones, bobbles her head, slurs her speech — which our target audience, the Night Train Express drinker, readily identifies with — and no matter what, she always hits her mark even if she’s about to have a seizure.
“She’s a real trooper!”
Developing . . . .