VEN (ROME) — Echoing former Black and Blue US President Bill Clinton, Red Pope Francis told close associates at the Vatican Monday, that whether or not he actually read the letter outlining the sexual abuse of little boys by close friend Chilean Bishop Juan Barros, depends on what the word read means (et ex significatione pendeat legere).
“His Holiness’ Latin is not the best,” Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Angelo (The Little Paraclete) Esposito told reporters Sunday.
“I mean, give me a freakin’ break! The mook’s from Argentina, for Christ Sake!
“So basically — at the end of the day — what His Holiness is saying is, sure — mea culpa — he reads a lot of letters — I mean — marone! — he’s the fu**ing Pope, for Christ Sake! But does he remember reading THAT letter? I would have to say no, because in all likelihood it got thrown out with all the junk mail we get from NAMBLA.
“It’s a complicated situation.
“We had a brother doing the screenings, but we found 1.5 tonnes of mail in his alcove at the monastery so we had to move him to a parish in Cleveland.
“Now we use a nun — a former professional softball player — Sister Mary-Butch Angelica, and usually she does an aces job for us, but we think in this instance she made a mistake.
“I mean, hey — she can hit the fu**ing Sorrowful Mysteries outta a goddamn regulation softball, but she’s still a woman, OK? So we make allowances.
“Anyway, from what I understand, Francis has the letter now. And he intends to read it as soon as we can locate his reading glasses, which Pope Emeritus Benedict has a habit of mistaking for his own glasses which only adds to the confusion.
“But if we cannot locate the Pope’s glasses by Thursday, we will have an acolyte read the letter to His Holiness — ti do la mia parola.
“I mean we’re the f***ing Catholic Church, for Christ Sake! It’s not like we’re hiding anything!”