VEN (DETROIT) — A newly-divorced Dearborn man facing multiple charges — including prostitution and animal cruelty — lashed out at reporters Tuesday as Animal Control struggled to remove two provocatively-dressed Merino sheep from his home.
Juan “Cookie” Nicopopolus — who until recently owned and operated Little Bo Peep’s Aegean Lounge in Greek Town — contends that he went to LensCrafters in June during his lunch break for a new contact lens prescription “and the filthy Khazarian Zionists gave me the wrong extended wear contacts which have completely destroyed my life! And now — my lawyers tell me — they will pay dearly for this!
“As I told the police, I can’t read anything correctly anymore! First it was crossword puzzles, then Sudoku, then the eye chart at the DMV.
“I must Uber everywhere now!
“I began losing very badly at Boggle, I would make mistakes with grocery lists, and finally my former wife — Tiffany — pleaded with me to read a self-help article because my eyes hurt so much I couldn’t sleep.
“Of course, I misread that as well, and the next day I took our life savings and bought Cinnamon and Chardonnay, taught them how to dress, taught them how to dance, and opened a gentlemen’s club in Detroit.
“Now I have lost everything!”