Man Sues LensCrafters After Misreading “5 Signs You Need More Sleep” Ends In Divorce

VEN (DETROIT) — A newly-divorced Dearborn man facing multiple charges — including prostitution and animal cruelty —  lashed out at reporters Tuesday as  Animal Control struggled to remove two provocatively-dressed Merino sheep from his home.

sexy-sheepJuan “Cookie” Nicopopolus — who until recently owned and operated Little Bo Peep’s Aegean Lounge in Greek Town  — contends that he went to LensCrafters  in  June during his lunch break for a new contact lens prescription “and the filthy  Khazarian Zionists gave me the wrong extended wear contacts which have completely destroyed my life!  And now — my lawyers tell me —  they will pay dearly for this!

“As I told the police, I can’t read anything correctly anymore!  First it was crossword puzzles, then Sudoku, then the eye chart at the DMV.

“I  must Uber everywhere now!

“I began losing very badly at Boggle, I would make mistakes with grocery lists, and finally my former wife — Tiffany — pleaded with me to read a self-help article because my eyes hurt so much I couldn’t sleep.

“Of course, I misread that as well, and the next day I took our life savings and bought Cinnamon and Chardonnay, taught them how to dress, taught them how to dance,  and opened a gentlemen’s club in Detroit.

“Now I have lost everything!”