“I Almost Made Her Cry!” Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly Gets Tough With Girl Reporter

VEN (SOUTH BEND) — Hurricane Irma got nothing on embattled seventh year Notre Dame head football coach Brian Kelly,  who went toe-to-toe with the Indianapolis Star‘s Laken Litman Saturday night, after his unprepared, poorly coached, lackluster team suffered yet another embarrassing loss — this time at home against the Georgia Bulldogs.

According to anonymous sources, after his press conference, Coach Kelly told his team that they should use his answer to Litman as an example of the kind of intensity he wants to see on the field next Saturday against Boston College.

“We gave you the shiny gold helmets, the shiny gold shoes, and we got a colored boy as our QB.  Hell, practically the whole damn team is colored!  And we have a f^^^ing HUGE goddamn Jumbotron, for Christ sake!  We have plastic grass now.  And we run plays straight out of the f^^^ing Pop Warner playbook.

“I was the f^^^ing head coach at Grand Valley State, for Christ Sake!! I own the goddamned Penguin Lounge!! There’s no reason we should be losing!

“When we face off against BC next week, I want you to make them cry.  When you look at them I want you to see Laken Litman!

“Trash talk them, remind them they couldn’t get into Notre Dame.  Be snide, sarcastic. Sneer at them. Condescend to them.  Imply that they don’t know anything about football.

“If they trash talk back tell ’em What’s your question?  Do you have a question?  Yeah, well get to it then!

“Remember — We Are Notre Dame!  Nobody is cattier than we are!  If you don’t think you’re catty enough make a gay friend, watch The View.  Next Saturday, I want to see petulant, snide, overbearing, dismissive contempt in your eyes!

“We’ll be working on that all next week in practice.  We’ll bring in Little Richard and Rupaul if we have to.  By Friday, you will be the nastiest goddamned snarkiest little bitches in Division I-A or you won’t play!  Now get the hell outta my sight and think about all the things you did wrong today!

“Jesus, you candy-ass f^^^ing pussies couldn’t make the scout squad at Central Michigan!”