BRIAN KELLY — Look, Ambrosia, you know the rules. When Father Jenkins and the Regents are here it’s like your First Communion, OK? Thong and pasties at all times! Jesus H Christ! What the f*** were you thinking!!?? Now stop crying and get me another double Crown Royal, like a good girl! And Ambrosia, light on the f***ing ice this time, OK?
JACK SWARBRICK — Hi everyone, and welcome to Coach Kelly’s Live From The Penguin Lounge here in beautiful South Bend, Indiana, home to Sweetness Brown’s Partay Favors, Wraps, and Fuk-All at 120 Main Street, where the old Greyhound Bus station used to be, kitty corner from Larondra’Shell’s Natty Nails ‘N Dollar Store across the street from Abu’s Jerusalem of the Gold. Hey, Y’All! When It’s Time To Partay, Let Sweetness Do Y’all Bitches Right! And remember, tell ’em Coach Kelly sent you! You’ll be glad you did!
Well, Coach, we’re coming off a great win against the always tough and formidable Temple Owls. What are your thoughts looking ahead to tonight’s game against Georgia. Can you break it down for us? Talk about the matchups?
BRIAN KELLY — Temple? Always tough Temple? Jesus, are you f***ing kidding me? Temple’s a f***ing joke. And as we both know, I almost had to blow you to get them on the schedule for Christ Sake! (Thanks, Ambrosia. Jesus, wait! I said light ice not NO ice. What the f**k’s wrong with you today!)
JACK SWARBRICK — Well, Coach, we sure needed that opening win after our 4-8 season in 2016. But looking ahead to Georgia tonight —
BRIAN KELLY — “Looking ahead to Georgia tonight”? It’s very simple, Jack. We have a colored quarterback, they don’t. We’ll win. How many times have we been over this?
JACK SWARBRICK — I’m sure there’s more to it than an athletic quarterback, Coach. I mean
BRIAN KELLY — (Thanks, Ambrosia). No, Jack. That’s it. There’s nothing more to it.
The team with the best colored quarterback always wins. And by best I mean a boy that’ll run all over hell, throw the ball 90 yards falling down, or get hit by 900 pounds of colored linebackers and pop up smiling from ear-to-ear like he just won a $20.00 lottery.
And we got a boy like that, Jack. In fact, we got two of ’em. And Georgia doesn’t have any.
JESUS! JACK! Did you just see Crystal do the Half Flag Invert into a Brass Monkey! Hey, all you girls — listen up! Stop whatever the f*** you’re doing and watch Crystal! Maybe you’ll learn something! OK, right. That’s right, do it again, honey!
JACK SWARBRICK — Well, Coach, Miss Dallas our engineer is waving at me, so I guess we’ve run out of time once again. That’s our show for today, folks — the Georgia Bulldogs, the Half Flag Invert, and the importance of having the best colored quarterback!
I’m Jack Swarbrick, helping Coach Kelly shake down some thunder here at the original Penguin Lounge 1212 North Bendix Street. Open every day from noon until 2:00 AM, new shows every hour on the half hour. No cover, no minimum. This week featuring a Penguin Lounge favorite, the lovely, “in-double-D demand” Miss Crystal Balle! Remember, guys, come early, stay late, and bring plenty of dollar bills. Coach Kelly and I always do! So long, everyone!