VEN (MILWAUKEE) —  Penny Gunderson got the surprise of her life last week when her new electric range suddenly heated up to 1500 degrees Fahrenheit while her refrigerator live-streamed the event on DarpaNet before draining all the residual power from the grid, causing a blackout in her neighborhood of West Allis that lasted for three days.

“It was the scariest night of my life.  I had just reset my smart thermostat to 88 degrees by mistake, when my husband’s car started all by itself, smashed through the garage door and drove off!”

(According to Wisconsin State Police,  Edward Gunderson’s late-model Toyoto Prius drove itself onto the highway, reversed direction twice, then crossed four lines of traffic before hitting a light pole and exploding.)

“After the car drove off, that’s when I smelled something burning in the kitchen.  It was my new range!  It burned right through the kitchen floor and ended up in the basement in a puddle of molten steel.  I was terrified!”

Sears spokesperson Mindy Gray told reporters Monday that the retail giant is recalling 12 models of Kenmore “smart” home appliances that were specially modified for the Department of Defense, “which somehow made it into our retail inventory.”

Developing . . . .