Woman Assaults Pet Hamster Believed To Be Reincarnated Ex-Husband

VEN (SYRACUSE) — A Fairmount women shot her daughter’s pet hamster with a paint ball gun, after the little critter got loose and was rummaging through her purse “just like my deadbeat husband used to do when he was drunk,” she explained to Fairmount  police officers, who took her into custody  after responding to a 911 call at the residence early Sunday morning.paintball gun

The woman — who police did not identify, but who is believed to be a diversity professor at Cornell University — was charged with animal abuse, use of a controlled substance,  and resisting arrest. Bail was set at $25,000.00 cash only, since this was her second offense.

According to the police report, several weeks prior to the incident the woman became convinced that her late husband — who died of Renee-Barre Syndrome in 2014 — had come back to haunt her, reincarnated as Mr Kegel, a Syrian hamster that was a gift from her daughter’s transgendered paternal grandmother.hamster

Neighbors called police after they heard dishes smashing and saw windows being blown out by paint ball rounds.

As one anonymous police  officer told VEN, “Before we could subdue her, she kept pointing at the little hamster and screaming,  Look at his eyes, those goddamned beady little eyes.  Even when you’re dead you keep killing me, you no good son-of-a-bitch! I KNOW IT’S YOU, BOBBY.  YOU F^^^ING PIECE OF SH!T!  Look at him! He’s just sorry he’s too small now to leave the toilet seat up all the time!  Right, Bobby?!  RIGHT?!   You just run around in that stupid hamster wheel all day laughing at me!!