BRIAN KELLY — Look, Cinnamon, we have a contract, OK? When we recruited you, the deal was we’d pay for the implants and the other stuff and you’d be available for lap dances at smokers and so forth with the 5 star recruits and their families and the Board of Regents for two seasons. You’ve got one more season to go, alright? Now stop crying and get me another double Crown Royal, like a good girl!
JACK SWARBRICK — Hi everyone, and welcome to Coach Kelly’s Live From The Penguin Lounge here in beautiful South Bend, Indiana, home to The Old Seafarer’s House of Seafood ‘N Slutz, right across from the burned out A&P, next to the vacant lot near the boarded up Texaco station where Nickie’s used to be. Seafood ‘N Slutz, where the only crabs you’ll ever get are shipped fresh from Alaska! And remember, tell ’em Coach Kelly sent you! You’ll be glad you did!
Well, Coach, we just finished up the 2017 Blue and Gold game, our annual Spring scrimmage where the first string offense (in Blue ) and first string defense (in White) face off, as do the second string offense (in White) and the second string defense (in Blue).
BRIAN KELLY —Jesus, are you kidding me? Who the f*** can keep all that straight, for Christ Sake?! I had no idea that’s what was going on. I thought we were playing Navy. This is a joke, right? (Thanks, Cinnamon. I need more ice, honey)
JACK SWARBRICK — No, Coach, it’s not a joke. It was the intra-squad scrimmage.
BRIAN KELLY — Are you telling me those were all our guys? Son of a — Even the coloreds?
JACK SWARBRICK — Anyway, Coach, this year the Gold team won 27-14, exposing the same serious problems with our starting offense that have plagued our teams during your seven-year tenure at Notre Dame.
I’ll get right to the point — what many find troubling, Coach, is that we made you fire all of your assistant coaches last year after going 4-8, and yet we’re not seeing any progress. And some might argue, things are actually getting worse, not better.
BRIAN KELLY — Look, Jack. You guys told me when you hired me in 2009 that you wanted to de-emphasize football and turn Notre Dame into a basketball school, like Marquette or Villanova, OK? Am I delivering on that? You bet your ass I am.
I pass all the time – even when it’s first and goal from the one. I humiliate and crush the spirit of my quarterbacks, even the colored boys. On the sidelines, I scream at my assistants and the officials like a drunken maniac. I have no clue what clock management is. I dress like a freaking lesbian. I let the players do whatever they want – cheat on exams, attack the police outside of bars, get arrested with guns and marijuana, make up pretend girlfriends and then lie about it.
Hell, I even killed that AV squad nerd in a windstorm.
So I think I’m holding up my end of the deal, OK? By the way, Jack, you think it’s easy losing games with the talent Notre Dame has? Well, it’s not. I have to work overtime to figure out how to screw things up, and sometimes we win anyway!
But like little Cinnamon over there I got a contract, OK? So you and Father Jenkins can both go fu** yourselves! You’re paying me to wreck the program and that’s exactly what I’m doing!
(Goddamn it, Crystal, get the hell off the damn pole so Jose can polish it before we open tonight!)
JACK SWARBRICK — Well, Coach, it looks like we’re going to have to end it there. Miss Dallas our engineer is waving at me, so I guess we’ve run out of time once again. That’s our show for tonight, folks — Spring Ball, contracts, and how hard it is to lose at Notre Dame!
I’m Jack Swarbrick, helping Coach Kelly shake down some thunder here at the original Penguin Lounge 1212 North Bendix Street. Open every day from 5:00 PM till 2:00 AM, new shows every hour on the half hour. No cover, no minimum. This week featuring a Penguin Lounge favorite, the lovely, “in-double-D demand” Miss Crsytal Balle! Remember, guys, come early, stay late, and bring plenty of dollar bills. Coach Kelly and I always do! So long, everyone!