VEN (WASHINGTON) — President mulls possibility of a tactical strike against popular Alexandria eatery Kurt Kady’s Kiddie Town, after several young children became ill — three seriously — in what appears to be an outbreak of E.coli-tainted ground beef in their Kool Kat Kiddie Burgers.
The President’s top advisor, his daughter Ivanka, is rumored to be urging her father to target Kiddie Town’s walk in coolers, while Senator John McCain and National Security Advisor Lt. General H.R. McMaster believe a pre-emptive strike against Five Guys, Dairy Queen, and Chuck-E-Cheese is also in order.
“We need to send a strong message to the Russian-backed fast food industry that E.coli contamination will simply not be tolerated,” Senator McCain told reporters Tuesday.
However, the CEO of Kiddie Town, Kurt Kady, denies that his ground beef is tainted. “These Au Pairs let the kids stuff themselves until they become ill. Then to deflect blame from their inattentiveness, they contaminate the children’s uneaten portions with vials of E.coli they carry in their purses.
“Tell me — why would we serve contaminated beef two days after receiving the highest possible rating from the Board of Health? It makes no sense!”
Anonymous sources tell VEN that Senator Chuck Schumer is questioning why McDonald’s and Burger King were left off the list of fast food targets, calling the omissions “suspicious,” and suggesting a possible conflict of interest with President Trump’s administration. “We need to see his tax returns. Now!” Mr Schumer told reporters.
Echoing those concerns, Dianne Feinstein accused the Trump administration of pandering to Hispanics “in the worst possible way,” by intentionally removing Taco Bell from the orignal target list, after Chief of Staff Reince Priebus worried that it might negatively impact the special Congressional election in Kansas for the seat vacated by newly appointed CIA director, Steve Pompeo.
The White House dismissed Ms Feinstein’s accusations as “ridiculous.”