Most dogs are just slobbering, overjoyed, goofy pals who love a good romp in a dog park with other dogs, playing fetch or frisbee with their owners, shaking paws, or just straight up being a dog, right?

Wrong!

Researchers at Stanford University recently discovered that almost 95% of dog breeds — as well as all wolves — can actually talk!  And while they don’t really play poker, dogs can and do carry on quite lively conversations when humans aren’t around.

So if you’re wondering why your talking dog plays dumb all the time, these suggestions just might help you “break the ice”!

1.) They voted for Trump.

Dogs have elections, too.  And according to the last VEN Poll taken just before the Presidential election, 84% of all talking dogs eligible to vote said they were voting for Trump, while only 16% (curiously, almost all of them tiny lap dogs, like Pomeranians and Maltese) said they were supporting Hillary Clinton.  Unlike their human counterparts, no dogs surveyed were undecided.

As one Alsatian explained, “My owners are snowflakes.  I know, go figure.  Anyway, if I told them I voted for Trump, they’d probably be more startled by that than my ability to talk. They’re both very nice, and I’m very loyal so I just live with it and keep my mouth shut.  But that may change if they keep listening to NPR and  watching CNN and crying all the time.”

2.) They don’t want to be on Entertainment Tonight or Conan.

After what happened to Brian Griffin, notoriety’s a real buzz kill for talking dogs.  “We prefer our privacy to being in a crazy popcorn machine where everyone treats us like freaks,” a Boxer mix told VEN.  “I don’t want to be on all the time, or have to come up with 5 killer minutes of banter with some late night host.  Or worse — The View.  Jesus, if I had to do The View or Ellen, I’d probably end up biting somebody.”

3.) They enjoy the no-pressure life of acting dumb, sticking their heads out of car windows, and chasing squirrels.

As a miniature Schnauzer told VEN, “You say one word, just one word, and that life is over forever!”

4.) Why talk when you can bark?

“It’s hilarious watching my owner speak to me like I’m a total moron,  repeating words like SIT or HEEL, while I just look at him like he has four heads and do nothing.  If I suddenly said something like, ‘Yeah I get that, Donny, but how about a treat first?’ the relationship would move to a level that well, frankly, I don’t think I’d be all that comfortable with.  He’s a very needy guy.”

5.) They don’t want to answer a lot of stupid questions.

Dogs may bark a lot, but when it comes to talking, they’re actually very reticent and demure. And they want to keep it that way!

As one Labrador told VEN, “I start licking myself or I want to drag my behind all over the living room rug, and suddenly I’m expected to stop and explain what I’m doing and why?  I don’t think so, Dude.  They harsh my mellow enough as it is now.   Dude, if the little brat pulls my tail or teases me, later when she’s gone, I can trot upstairs and whizz all over her pillow, or maybe if I’m totally trippin, I take a dump in one of her shoes.  I mean, how cool is that, right?  But if they know I can talk — BOOM — everyone goes to counseling.  No way, man!  That is just not an option!”