Very Ersatz News (WASHINGTON) — “Sweet flowers are slow, and weeds make haste,” Richard III tells us, in Shakespeare’s play by the same name. And if the Alt-Left and Congressional Democrats, led by Luis Gutiérrez (Rep-Illinois), get their way, we’ll be seeing more of the latter in the White House Rose Garden, unverifiable sources tell VEN.
Chanting “Kudzu! Kudzu!” and “No Weeds, No Peace!” scores of pro-weed, anti-flower demonstrators disrupted traffic along Pennsylvania Avenue Wednesday, until Capital Police arrived and threatened them with arrest.
“Why are roses and other so-called flowers given preferential treatment over what the 1% derisively refer to as weeds?” one protester demanded. “They’re all plants! Calling something a weed just because you don’t think it’s as beautiful as a rose or whatever is fascism! We want Congress to pass a resolution immediately to add weeds to the Rose Garden. And we want it renamed Plant Sanctuary For The World!”
According to unverifiable sources, Congressman Gutiérrez was equally strident.
“Seeds and spores from foreign weeds travel many thousands of miles on the winds to hopefully land here in the Unites States where growing conditions are more favorable and they can thrive.
“Do we tell them, you are not welcome here? Do we uproot them? Subject them to chemical sprays? They have as much right to be here as any flower! We are all weeds! We all came from weeds! If a plant makes you happy, it isn’t a weed!”
However, not everyone agrees that a weed is just a rose by another name.
According to a recent study by Dr. K. George Beck, Colorado State University, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of Roundup when it comes to the cost of weed control in agriculture and land management, as the following figure shows:
And for those pro-weed demonstrators chanting for more kudzu, perhaps a history lesson is in order, botanist Karl Jurgens tells VEN.
Arguably the most egregious example of a virtually ineradicable, destructive foreign plant, kudzu is costing American taxpayers billions of dollars to control — with no end in sight. As the Nature Conservancy reports:
Kudzu is native to Japan and southeast China. It was first introduced to the United States during the Philadelphia Centennial Exposition in 1876 where attendees marveled at the sweet-smelling blooms, large leaves and sturdy vines of what was touted as a great forage plant and ornamental for the backyard. Then, in the 1930s through the 1950s, the Soil Conservation Service promoted it as a great tool for soil erosion control and was planted in abundance throughout the south. Little did we know that Kudzu is quite a killer, overtaking and growing over anything in its path.
So is all of this just much ado about nothing? Roses, weeds, plants — who cares?
No, Jurgens insists, because it’s vitally important for people to understand that flowers and weeds are just not the same thing.
“Unlike weeds — which can and do grow anywhere — flowers require careful tending and constant vigilance. Many are rare. Almost all are delicate, and almost all require a gardener to protect them from pests, insects, disease. And from weeds.
“Weeds kill flowers, not the other way around! If you introduce weeds into a rose garden rather than assiduously remove them, soon all the roses will be overrun, the weeds will deprive them of nutrients, and eventually the roses will sicken and die!
“Ironically,” Jurgens contends, “despite whatever brave new worlds Weed Justice Warriors may wish for, perhaps the harsh reality here is that like so many human usurpers, far too often a non-native plant may smile, and smile, and yet still be a villain.”