KNN (WASHINGTON) — White mice chipped with wi-fi transmitters, high-def cameras, and enough SEMTEX strapped to their backs to self-destruct if detected, were found inside a fresh loaf of organic rye bread on a table just outside the Oval Office Monday.
“We’re not exactly sure what happened,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer explained,” but it appears that Deputy Chief Of Staff Katie Welsh had lunch with Robby Mook and British Ambassador Kim Darroch, who purportedly gave Mr Mook the homemade loaf of bread as a present. Since Mr Mook is gluten intolerant, he immediately re-gifted the bread to Ms Welsh, who brought it back with her to the West Wing.”
Luckily for President Trump — who was in the Oval Office at the time — sophisticated signal jammers inside the White House effectively disabled the mice’s “on board” communication system, rendering them harmless.
“Once the mice were detected and identified as Russian, the Secret Service secured the perimeter and immediately called the FBI’s Counter Espionage Team,” Senior FBI Agent Burt Macklin told reporters.
“Russian spy mice are very, very sophisticated mice. They’re fearless and incredibly well-disciplined. And almost impossible to catch. As incredible as it sounds, they are trained never to eat cheese or peanut butter — even when starving — rendering most conventional traps useless.
“But they do have one weakness.
“When we arrived, we immediately deployed the Deutsche Grammphone recording of Vladimir Ashkenazy playing Rachmaninoff’s Prelude in C Sharp Minor over the White House intercom system. Whenever Russian mice hear that particular Prelude, they will instantly stop whatever they’re doing, move into the center of whatever room they’re in, and listen intently — at which point they are relatively easy to apprehend.”