KNN (WASHINGTON) — To many die-hard “silent majority” Republicans, it’s hard to believe that the FBI and NSA would conclude that Red State Americans like themselves weren’t happy to assist Russia in electing Donald Trump president, since for generations rosy-cheeked farmers and their families in the Heartland have always been solidly pro Russia.
“If that guy Putin tells me to jump,” Kansas farmer Clem Kincaid told KNN. “I just ask HOW HIGH! We absolutely love that guy around here. The best thing Hillary ever did — and I mean this sincerely (even though I don’t really like her all that much) — was to give Mr Putin our uranium! Oh, boy, was that somethin’! We were so thrilled about that, we all went down to the VFW and had one heck of a celebration!”
And many Red Staters, like Nebraskan Billy Peterson, are actually upset that Putin and Russia aren’t being recognized enough for their efforts to sway the election to dark horse Donald Trump.
“I’m actually a little disappointed,” Mr Peterson confessed, “that they’re not giving Mr Putin more credit for this. For cryin’ out loud, you take Putin out of the equation, and Hillary’s the president!
“The first thing I do every day is read my copy of PRAVDA. My grandmother — God bless her — still misses the old Soviet Union, or Three-C P as she likes to call it. I’m proud to say I fought in Iraq. My father in Viet Nam. And my grandfather in Korea. We always supported the Soviet Union and voted Republican for as long as I can remember!”
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 