KNN (BERLIN) — Things have gone from bad to worse at The Chocolate Factory since founder and nonpareil reclusive genius Willy Wonka died under tragic circumstances in a closet in his hotel room in Bangkok, three years ago.
After emerging from receivership this past August, WWCF was acquired by IG Farben, but the famed candy maker is still struggling to compete in the new, fast-paced candy world of Skittles, Twizzlers, and Gobstoppers.
Enter Hillary Clinton.
Investment bankers at Deutsche Bank — who brokered the IGF deal — are strongly encouraging IGF senior executives to bring in Mrs Clinton — known for her high power no-nonsense “take no prisoners” management style — to run the Ooompa-Loompa division — the heart and soul of WWCF — in the hopes that she can improve morale and quickly get things moving in the right direction again.
“If she can do half of what she did for Libya and Iraq, we’ll be ecstatic,” IGF’s spokesperson Felix Krüll told KNN.
However, the Ooompa-Loompas are not so sanguine about their potential new boss. As one senior Ooompa-Loompa told KNN: “Hillary Gloop! Hillary Gloop! The great big greedy Nincompoop. Hillary Gloop, so big and vile, so greedy foul and infantile!”