KNN (MIAMI) — Unverifiable sources tell KNN that baboon-addicted former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had a serious relapse during her recent appearance on UNIVISION’s popular El Gordo Y La Flacca, after she was mistakenly offered a baboon-laced cookie during the show.
Though not well known, during her tenure as Secretary Of State, Mrs Clinton became hopelessly addicted to baboon meat after visiting Darfur. What began as a seemingly harmless way of handling the pressures of her high-stress job quickly spun out of control.
“She did not always agree with the policies she was forced to implement,” an unverifiable, anonymous source identifying herself as close friend of Mrs Clinton told KNN, “and this created a lot of stress for her.
“When Obama talked about the Arab Spring, Hillary locked herself in her office and ate four, five, sometimes six baboons.
“We never know where she got them. Or how. First it was chipmunks. Thousands of them, when she was First Lady. Then Green or sometimes Rhesus monkeys when she was a senator — by the crateful!
“But for the last several years, it’s been baboons, nothing but baboons — morning, noon, and night. Baboons, baboons, baboons. We’ve tried everything, but she won’t listen. She just tosses the bones and fur through the transom of her office door in Chappaqua, and screams at Huma to get her more baboons!
“We thought she had it licked after months of aversion therapy in Yonkers, but now — after the UNIVISION setback and the election loss — it’s anyone’s guess what happens next. She’s just out of control! Bill and Chelsea are sick about it, but there’s nothing they can do. She’s just killing herself!”