KNN (DUBLIN) — Fed up with the embarrassing behavior of green-beer-drinking so-called Irish-Americans during St Patrick’s Day celebrations in the United States, the IRISH government is offering any American who believes he/she is of Irish decent a free  green ERIN GO BRAUGH  plastic hat with coordinated white, elastic spaghetti  chinstrap  and matching  KISS ME I’M IRISH button,  if they agree to provide the IRISH embassy in New York with a verifiable sample of their DNA.

Anyone determined NOT to be of IRISH decent will be eligible for a 5.00 US Savings Bond and a box of Lucky Charms as consolation prizes,  provided they sign a binding agreement never again to refer to themselves as IRISH, but instead to use the more appropriate terms: TOTAL F***ING DOUCHEBAG or WORSE THAN A (F***ING) WEST BRIT D4. 

Those who can prove their IRISH lineage and assert that they enjoy celebrating St Patrick’s Day by drinking green beer, etc will be offered $100.00 USD to change their familial country of origin from IRELAND to POLAND.