KNN (METROPOLIS) — The Daily Planet reports that an exasperated Man of Steel ended his tempestuous relationship with Lois Lane Saturday, by hurling her towards the sun, catching her as she caromed past Jupiter, and then dropping a mountain on her in the Himalayas.
In a Jimmy Olsen exclusive from the legendary Fortress of Solitude, Superman talks openly about his breakup with longtime lover/adversary Lane:
“I just couldn’t take it anymore — the snooping, background checks, incessant accusations and idiotic questions. I mean who the f*** cares who Clark Kent is for chrissake? I f***ing save the world 20 times a day, and she’s working 24/7 to uncover my secret identity? What’s up with that? Fifty years of this insanity, and I’d had enough.
“I’d rather embrace a two-ton piece of green Kryptonite than deal with that bullsh!t. Jesus, I make diamonds for her out of coal the size of baseballs, and what does she do? She nags Clark to take her to Morton’s, then drops her napkin, and when I bend down to pick it up, she stabs me with a steak knife to see if Clark bleeds. I mean, who the f*** needs that in their life?!
“I told Bizzaro Superman the other day — you think you’ve got problems? Ever have someone steal your cell phone and call all of your superhero friends to see who answers? I mean how the f*** am I supposed to explain that to Bat Man and The League Of Super Heroes?
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear Mr. Mxyzptlk was behind this. But no, it was all Lois. 100% Lois. She’s as crazy as a sh!t house rat!
“The biggest mistake in my life, Jimmy, was breaking up with Lana Lang — but now she’s a size 16 with sensible shoes living in Clearwater and working for the 2020 Hillary campaign. She’s actually upset with me over my super carbon footprint — if you can believe that — and at Christmas she told me we can’t be friends anymore because she knows I voted for Trump! I mean, WTF? I’m not even a legal citizen, for christsake! I’m from f***ing Krypton!
“Jimmy, even if you’re the Man of Steel and can hold up a broken suspension bridge all by yourself or swoop down out of nowhere and catch a woman who falls off a skyscraper (and believe me, for some reason, women fall off of skyscrapers all the time) — it never makes a difference.
“Sam was right, Jimmy — it NEVER f***ing ends.”