Brian Kelly Talks Xs and Os Live From The World Famous Penguin Lounge!

Kafka Network News Sports — From the KNN Sports archives, the following is the transcript from the September, 2014  Brian Kelly radio show Live From The Penguin Lounge, broadcast live on Radio Free Europe from South Bend, Indiana.

BRIAN KELLY — Look, Crystal, we already discussed this.  You work it off with lap dances for my staff, OK?  Now stop crying and get me another Crown Royal.  And Crystal, for Christ Sake — easy on the ice this time!
JACK SWARBRICK — Hi everyone, and welcome to Coach Kelly’s Live From The Penguin Lounge here in beautiful South Bend, Indiana. Home to Dartagnon Odell’s Original Studebakin’ Bitches ‘N Ribs at 222 Main Street, across from the Exxon station, kitty corner to the historic La Salle Hotel. If your bitch ain’t bakin’, better make it Studebakin! And remember, tell ’em Coach Kelly sent you! You’ll be glad you did!
–Well, Coach, we have a very special guest with us tonight.  And with that, I’ll turn it over to you.

BRIAN KELLY — Thanks, Jack.  And thank you, Mr President. And by Mr President, of course, I mean, Barrack Obama.

PRESIDENT OBAMA — Thanks, Brian.  Glad to be here.

BRIAN KELLY — First, Mr President, on behalf of everyone here — especially the hard working dancers on the main stage — I’d like to welcome you to The Penguin Lounge.  It’s — as I’ve alluded to before, I think, in regards to this special day — it’s really a complete, an honor to have you here.  With us.  For happy hour.

PRESIDENT OBAMA — Thanks, Brian.  Very happy to be here. But I have to tell you,  with all due respect, I’m actually a BULLS fan.

BRIAN KELLY — I think I think you can make that case, fairly, you could make that case.  But having said that, I think on the other hand, we think that we, well, you’re really gonna like Samantha, the red-head doing the lap dance for your security team.

PRESIDENT OBAMA — Actually, Brian, I don’t really like girls all that much.

BRIAN KELLY — ( Jack, did he say he wants a RED BULL? )

PRESIDENT OBAMA — Is that mic on?  Are we? Hahaha.  Lucky for me, Brian,  you know, Joan Rivers is dead now. What I meant, what I meant to say. More than anything. Is. I’m married.  I have a wife. Michelle. And three daughters. So, of course.  For me.  Now.  Well,  girls are out of the question.

BRIAN KELLY — He’s married to a wonderful gal, folks, I don’t mean any disrespect in that regard.


BRIAN KELLY — Everybody is going to have their wants and desires. Mr President,  I’m certain that everybody has an opinion as to what the best “fit” is. I think like Jack here, you have to be able to proffer out valid solutions to some complex issues, and that’s why he’s the athletic director and why of course you’re the president.

PRESIDENT OBAMA —  Thank, you.

BRIAN KELLY — Now we’ve been looking at some changes in our offensive line.  You can see that we moved two bigger guys inside, right? So, you know, a  320 plus right guard, and one of our more physical players in Nick Martin at left guard. Well, I’ll get straight to it  — the First Lady could really help us there. So physicality in the left guard position is what we are looking for at that position, and we — well — we  felt like Michelle could handle the center position, too.  We didn’t tell you this, it’s been a secret, but The First Lady went through the entire spring and has games under her belt.  So if she has eligibility left, we’d — Jack and I — we’d like to offer her a scholarship and get her into the program.  With that said, as the girls get ready for their third song, I’ll open it up to questions.

JACK SWARBRICK — Sorry Coach, Mr President.  But Miss Dallas our engineer is waving at me, so it looks like we’ve run out of time once again. That’s our show for tonight, folks — The First Lady, Spring Ball, and helping out the O-Line. I’m Jack Swarbrick, helping Coach Kelly shake down some thunder here at the original Penguin Lounge 1212 North Bendix Street. Open every day from 11:00 AM till 2:00 AM, new shows every hour on the half hour. No cover, no minimum. This week featuring a Penguin Lounge favorite, Petrie Dishe — and guys, you better believe it! They’re real and they’re fantastic! Remember, come early, stay late, and bring plenty of dollar bills. Coach Kelly and I always do! Thank you, Mr President!  Goodnight, Everyone!