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VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — Hailed as one of the most important inventions of the 21st century, the Impermeable Presidential Adult Diaper, or iPAD for short, has kept innumerable staffers, congressmen, international dignitaries, and heads of state safe from former President Biden’s notoriously effusive toxic incontinence which — before the iPAD came into being — almost took the lives of Queen Elizabeth II and The Red Pope Bergoglio when Mr Biden’s industrial strength DEPEND was unable to contain his astonishingly copious effluent.

But the story doesn’t end there.

VEN‘s Senior Coprophiliac Correspondent, Till Eulenspiegel, reports that DOGE has uncovered a bizarre scheme involving former President Biden’s family charging FEMA millions of dollars to dispose of Mr Biden’s used iPADs at the Waste Isolation Pilot Plant (WIPP) in New Mexico.

However, because the iPADs were not hermetically sealed — the fault of undocumented adolescent ESL immigrants working out of the unventilated basement of the Biden’s summer enclave in Rehoboth Beach, who were responsible for packaging and shipping the iPADs — Mr Biden’s iPADs breached their containers and ended up contaminating all of the nuclear waste at the WIPP facility!

“This was a disaster of incalculable proportions,” an anonymous FEMA official told VEN.

It was then that the former president’s artist son worked out a multi-million dollar deal with a Ukrainian LLC whereby the nuclear waste and what they now called “Previously Owned US Presidential iPADs” were repackaged and shipped to the Congo where they were repurposed as talismans for the treatment of baldness, malaria, impotence, and in some cases ceremoniously placed in mud huts by UNESCO-trained Kimbanguist priests as good luck charms and to ward off evil spirits.

Developing . . . .