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VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — Everything old is new again. Especially at the Biden White House.

On Wednesday, illegal immigrant, fast pitch softball enthusiast, and personal-hygiene-challenged White House spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre — who has yet to provide evidence of their US citizenship — reluctantly confirmed that over the weekend a Valentino Rockstud Camo Briefcase was discovered in the First Family residence in the West Wing that contained what appeared to be a small nuclear device with Ukrainian markings, several worn well-thumbed Hustler magazines, a ball gag, multiple vials of chloral hydrate, pharmaceutical-grade heroin, several gold bars, and what may or may not have been a vast collection of international child pornography featuring a man dressed as a fury smoking what appeared to be crack cocaine while engaged in unnatural acts with a young German Shepard named Major in a hotel room filled with several underage, twerking Ukranian rent boys drinking from bottles of Cristal and sporting Dolce & Gabanna mesh-look see-through blue cotton polo shirts with a Burisma logo.

“We believe this is a sick prank by right wing cis-gendered MAGA extremists to embarrass the president and his family for political gain,” a strident Ms Jean-Pierre told VEN‘s Senior White House New Speak Correspondent Theodore Knight.

“Unfortunately, right now in America — thanks to a corrupt Supreme Court dominated by an Uncle Tom race traitor working overtime to please his white systemic racist overlords — anti-anal radical white supremacist domestic terrorists are everywhere!”

National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan agreed.

“We think one of the West Wing domestic staff who was originally from a fly-over state and is a registered Republican may have planted the briefcase. But as of yet the owner of the briefcase has not been identified.

“And unfortunately, like the cocaine discovered in the West Wing a few weeks ago, it’s unlikely that the owner of the briefcase will ever be identified.

“We need to be clear about that.

“Also, I’d like to stress that after closer examination the so-called tactical nuclear device was in fact a specially-designed high-definition digital camera from Belarus which we believe was used for upskirting Janet Yellen, Justin Trudeau, and Lindsey Graham when they were visiting the Ukraine.

“We assume this was some sort of Putin-backed dirty trick intended to damage the reputation of our greatest color revolution ally and total Dancing with the Stars laugh riot, President Volodymyr Zelensky.

“And finally, as far as the alleged child pornography in the so-called briefcase is concerned, as totally committed 64-bit genderqueer-tolerant Americans, we should not lose sight of the fact that even President Trump’s 13-year-old paperboy at Mar-a-Lago knows how to use Photoshop.”

Developing . . . .