POLAND (Kraków) — A despondent middle-aged bookkeeper from the tiny of village of Pinskie, killed herself Sunday by attempting to record compound interest in base eight for a hypothetical base six passbook savings account to impress a real base ten banker who — regrettably — had presented her with a vintage green eyeshade for her birthday, mistakenly believing that she was a CPA.
“The shock was too great for poor Trudy,” a close friend told reporters Monday. “She wasn’t a CPA, she wasn’t even an accountant! In truth, she was just a bookkeeper for her father, the local chiropodist — who it now turns out had no formal training in chiropody and was in reality just a weird little man with sausage-like fingers and a foot fetish!
“She was hoping for a depilatory, but when she saw the green eyeshade her heat sank to her knees! It was bad enough that her one true love thought she was a CPA, but with her limited fashion sense, the green eyeshade made her life impossible.
“Her friends at the local Dress Barn did the best they could, but it wasn’t enough. When she got home she would mismatch the outfits, wear wool with polyester, polka dots with plaids, ruffled sleeves with culottes.
“And of course there was no way to conceal the green eyeshade!
“Soon children began chasing after her in the streets with fly swatters!
“It was too much for her to bear! Preoccupied by the ever-present green eyeshade, she forgot to place a diagonal bar through zeros, causing numerous miscalculations.
“As a result of her billing errors, her father began getting one and two star reviews on YELP, which led to an investigation and his eventual arrest as a sex offender!
“It was then that Trudy took a whole bottle of NoDoz, put on her favorite Guy Lombardo album, and began her fateful compound interest calculations which ended in her death.
“It was a tragedy — Trudy died never realizing what Accumulated Depreciation or Passive Activity Loss actually meant. That green eyeshade was like a malevolent account’s receivable millstone around her neck.
“And it destroyed her life!”
Developing . . . .