VEN (HOLLYWOOD) — In advance of the much-anticipated Academy Awards Sunday evening, Motion Picture Academy Spokesperson Charles Runckle explained to reporters that the six-month investigation conducted by Hollywood studio heads has determined that Mr Weinstein is the only producer in the entire history of motion pictures who has ever taken advantage of young starlets and established actresses looking to advance their careers.

“As you might recall,” Mr Runckle explained, reading from a prepared statement outside of the Dolby Theatre, “this whole sordid business began in early October of last year when Frank Sinatra’s ambiguously gay love child, Ronan Farrow, wrote a sensational article about Mr Weinstein in the New Yorker magazine.

“We were sickened and stunned that such behavior was going on all around us, and saddened that in the many years that Mr Weinstein was on the prowl no one noticed anything out of the ordinary or that the actresses in question did not come forward sooner or talk to someone in HR at Miramax or maybe — I don’t know — call Harvey’s wife!

“I mean the whole thing was just  facacta.  Who thinks 24/7 with his schmeckle like that for Christ Sake?

“So today I’m proud to report — hand to God — that effective immediately all the studios are enacting an anonymous Casting Couch Hotline and asking movie people everywhere that if you see something,  pick up the phone, call the hotline,  and for God’s sake, say something already!

“But again I want to stress that — aside from Mr Weinstein — there are no casting couch producers or directors in Hollywood.  Not one!  And these starlets and actresses are like our own daughters — do they maybe dress a little slutty at times,  are they maybe a little boy crazy?   Hey, who isn’t a little boy crazy in Hollywood?  Am I right?

“Anyway, as Mort Saul once said, he never dates actresses or other female impersonators.

“And I think that’s good advice not just for Harvey, but for the Academy,  Main Street, Wall Street, Hollywood, and basically — when you get right down to it — everyone in general!”