Glowing Head, Premature Aging Not Caused By Plutonium Fillings, Dentist Contends

VEN (NEVADA) — Dr Charles Resnick, a family dentist in Reno, Nevada, who is now the target of a class-action malpractice lawsuit, denied claims by over 30 dissatisfied patients that the amalgam fillings he developed from sterilized nuclear waste were causing severe side effects.

glowing eyes“I’m my own night-light now,” one former patient explained to VEN‘s Senior Dental Consultant Dr. Benjamin Farb Tuesday.

“And I can literally charge my Prius while I’m driving to the unemployment office because — thanks to Dr Resnick —  I can’t work as an usher anymore.   The Reno Symphony fired me because — according to them —  I was a distraction!

“The only job I could get was looking for night crawlers for a bait shop on Lake Tahoe, but I lost that job, too, because the police were getting inundated with calls about alien sightings!”

According to public records, Dr Resnick bid on 4 cubic tonnes of nuclear waste from the Nevada Proving Grounds  a small portion of which he sterilized and turned into dental fillings.

Dr Resnick then used the bulk of the nuclear waste to build his new state-of-the art office complex which is outfitted with two flat screen TVs in a cozy imitation wood-paneled waiting room where patients can relax  before their appointments by watching  endless loops of HGTV,  or browsing through scores of  partially dog-eared magazines that are no more than 3-5 years old.

Dr Resnick talks to reporters outside his office Tuesday.

“Sterilized nuclear waste is a green solution,” Dr Resnick told reporters Tuesday.

“There’s never been any study that has proved conclusively that plutonium is any worse for you than mercury or palladium.

“So — no pun intended — but the jury’s still out on that one.  I expect to be vindicated.”