VEN (HOLLYWOOD) — Anonymous sources tell VEN that legendary, international kiddie phenom Bozo the Clown was in torrid love triangle with Ronald McDonald and former First Lady Michelle Obama for over five years!
“We met for the first time,” Mr Bozo explained, “when she passed out in my lap during her youngest daughter’s eighth birthday party at the White House. I was part of the entertainment.
“I never saw anyone drink like that. A whole bottle of gin, chasing it with Colt 45 Malt Liquor. Smoking rocks and rocks of crack with the stage hands, dancing to James Brown on her little girl’s iPod, doing HUGE bong hits, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, getting high on crank and doing push ups on her bodyguard’s thighs.
“She never says no,” Bozo added. “Not to anything.”
“Ron was her connection — he got her Egg McMuffins, Big Macs, Quarter Pounders With Cheese. Bags and bags of them. And everything supersized. The Secret Service had two SUVs just to carry the shakes and fries.
“It was a freak show — and this from a clown who’s been in and out of rehab four times. Jesus, I used to party with Sam Kinison in LA! I’m talking 4-day parties with more drugs and booze than you could possibly imagine — and she makes that look like a cheap fright wig or an old, worn-out pair of oversized, floppy shoes.
“It got really crazy when they were at the Vineyard, and Ron got busted for dealing on his way to their compound — at 8:00 in the morning! After that — back in the District — she’d drive me around Anacostia looking to score. Me in Anacostia? Are you f***ing kidding me? It was a freaking nightmare!
“I mean — Whoa Nelly! I couldn’t take it anymore; she was killing me!
“Finally, one day I told her I was going out for some LOOKs and a bottle of Strega and never looked back!”
VERY ERSATZ NEWS 