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VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — Late Sunday night, President Trump posted on Truth Social that he intended to fix the trade imbalance on mail order brides by imposing crushing tariffs on Eastern Europe “unless they start taking American women as their brides.

“Right now we are getting ripped off when it comes to mail order brides. Sleepy Joe allowed foreign countries to rig the rules of the game, to cheat, to steal, to rob, to plunder. All that is coming to an end. WE WILL MAKE AMERICAN MAIL ORDER BRIDES GREAT AGAIN! #MAMOBGA”

Spokesperson for the National Organization for Women (NOW) Christian F. Nunes was left speechless, but the response from high tech incels was immediate, many of whom in their teens and twenties rely exclusively on exotic pets for companionship, and then later — as they enter their thirties and forties and start thinking about settling down — begin looking for bussin dank mail order brides on the internet.

“I’m like totes unchill about this,” an anonymous software developer told VEN‘s Senior Incel Correspondent Wally Cox. “Like big sads, dude. Cheugy. I’m like I sent thousands of dollars to Svetalana so that she and her mother and brother could visit me. Now I don’t know what to do!”

And it’s not just incels who are feeling the pain.

After Bill Belichick’s girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, came in third at the Miss Maine beauty contest on May 11, rumors have been circulating that the Tar Heels’ head coach hired a girlfriend consultant with instructions to “get someone hot in their twenties from a place like Estonia or Albania who can’t speak English.

“But it would be nice if she at least knew what a progression read is.”

Developing . . . .