VEN (COLUMBUS, OH) — Sixty-five year old Walter Mitty of Hilliard, Ohio, filed for divorce from his wife of 35 years on Friday, after she poured a glass of water over his head while he was putting for birdie on the final hole at Augusta National Golf Club, on track for a once-in-a-lifetime dream round of 9 under par on the 72 par course.
“Four birdies, two eagles. I was on fire! I’ve never had a round like that. And this was at Augusta! Then the next thing I know I’m off the couch dripping wet with water, my heart racing, and that miserable cow is pointing her finger at me and braying like a donkey! I tried to hit her with my putter, but it literally dissolved in my hand, and sent me crashing onto the floor!
“And while I’m lying on my back in pain wondering where I am, she pours the rest of the water over me and tells me to take out the goddamn garbage! Can you believe that? Take out the garbage? While I’m putting out for 9 under par! That was it. Enough is enough! I hope her psoriasis kills her!”
In his divorce filing, Mr Mitty listed a litany of abuse he has suffered over the years, including — on multiple occasions — having to endure his wife standing in front of the TV to obscure his vision while he was enjoying a classic Three Stooges short featuring Curly, and when that didn’t work, yanking out the plug in a fit of pique because she needed a jar opened, or the grass cut, or the garbage taken out.
“She hates The Three Stooges almost as much as she hates me,” Mr Mitty told VEN‘s Senior Borderline Personality Disorder Correspondent, Eric Berne. “All I do is work and pay bills. All she does is eat and complain. Every night for years before I went to bed I’d pray to God to make me a gay. But she ruined that, too. The closest I ever got was thinking Robert Redford was good looking. I can’t live like this any more!”
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