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VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — Late Thursday night on Truth Social, President Trump announced that shrill television personality and wildly polarizing, bellicose sycophant Jeanine Pirro will be the new interim US Attorney for the District of Columbia, after the gang-that-couldn’t-shoot-straight Trump administration was unable to work behind the scenes to secure the necessary Republican votes to confirm the current — and more qualified — interim US attorney, Ed Martin, for the role on a permanent basis.

Mr Trump praised the 73-year-old Pirro for “looking great for her age,” after various news sources reported that The Five co-host has had more cosmetic surgeries than Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers, Ivanka Trump, Pinky Lee (we miss you, Pinky!) and George Hamilton combined.

“She doesn’t smile,” an anonymous Justice with Judge Jeanine source told VEN, “because she can’t smile. She’s had so much work done, she literally cannot smile. When it looks like she’s smiling, that’s 100% AI!”

Asked by VEN‘s Senior Political Television Personality Correspondent Ted Baxter about her new role as interim US attorney for the District of Columbia, Ms Pirro had this to say:

“I just want to tell you all how happy I am to be back in the real court system, hearing real cases on TV again! You don’t know how much I’ve missed all of you. And I promise you, I’ll never desert you again because after interim US Attorney Mr Trump will make another appointment and another appointment. You see, this is my life! It always will be! Nothing else! Just us, and the cameras, and those wonderful people out there in the dark!”

Developing . . . .