VEN (ROME) — While the Red Pope is settling into the 8th circle of Hell with the likes of Pope Nicholas III and Pope Boniface VIII, and the College of Cardinals gathers at the Vatican to elect his successor, papal insiders tell VEN‘s Senior Catholic Correspondent, Brother Theodore, that an obscure rabbi from Brooklyn, NY is now the front runner to become the next Bishop of the Holy See!
Cardinal Joey “The Big Epiklesis” Fugase tells VEN it’s been a long time coming.
“Hey, it’s a back to basics thing, OK? Think about it! Jesus, Carmine, his pals little Mikey, Tomaso, Pietro (they called him pots and pans Pietro cuz he did all the cookin’ for the disciples. Not a lot of people know that) — all of ’em, every last one of ’em, including the Melanzane Grandi himself was 100% Jewish before they started their Christian thing.
“So it’s definitely something you have to consider! Plus they tell me he can calculate compound interest in his head out to six places! Can you do that? I can’t do that. None of the other cardinals can do that. So you gotta look at all the in betweens! Plus his wife she makes an absolutely amazin’ Chocolate Babka. I’m talkin’ meshugge geyt, OK?
“So we get the guy in as pope, maybe he writes an encyclical altering the sacraments, and we start consecratin’ Chocolate Babkas instead of hosts. Who knows where that would take us?”
Developing . . . .
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