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VEN (WASHINGTON, DC) — At an impromptu press conference Wednesday afternoon in the Oval Office, a peripatetic President Trump — flanked by his child press secretary Karoline Claire Leavitt and real estate developer / supercalifragilisticexpialidocious envoy extraordinaire, Steve Witkoff — announced that his administration is working with Chile to acquire Easter Island as the 53rd state.

“It’s a BIG beautiful deal!” the President told reporters. “I’m told there’s never been a deal like it anywhere. You know two or three million years ago, Easter Island was a wonderful place, everyone wanted to go the Easter Island! You couldn’t get a boat to Easter Island for months. Very popular place. And then one day (it was one day, right?) they all, everyone who lived there, the islanders, every last one of them — like the upper West Side of Manhattan — they all went gay.

“Now I love the gays. No one loves them more than I do. Everyone will tell you that. I even have one in my cabinet. Great gay guy. Always dresses smart. I’m talking Armani, OK? Brioni. Doesn’t overdo the cologne. Light with the cologne. Shops with Melania. No one knows the gays better than I do!

“But when everybody goes gay, you’ve got a problem, a big problem, many people say it’s a big problem.

“So now you’ve got all these gays running around Easter Island — drag queen shows, lots of karaoke, florist shops — the gays love flowers. But they’re not making babies anymore. No more babies. Not a baby anywhere. You couldn’t find a baby. A lot of experts, baby experts, the biggest baby experts in the world, they looked.

“They tell me that they looked, looked everywhere, lots of baby experts looking, but they couldn’t (and believe me when I say they looked, OK? They looked. That’s what they do, baby experts look, so they looked) and not a single baby! Very sad. No baby. Just a few transgenders (we love the transgenders) and maybe three or four — some say five — gay toddlers.

“So we’re going to make a great deal with Chile — they don’t want 135% tariffs on their Brazil nuts, believe me! — and when we’re done, we’re going to move all that statue building — they have great big beautiful gay statues, many say the gayest statues in the world — and we’re going to move their statue manufacturing back to the United States — maybe Provincetown or maybe Milwaukee, but maybe not Milwaukee because well they don’t really like us all that much — but the important thing and Steve is committed to this — is to get those statues back to the United States where they belong and make gay statue building great again!”

Developing . . . .