VEN (MAR-A-LAGO) — Former-future MAGA President and honorary 47th-degree Master Mason Donald Trump appeared to onlookers as a “giant orange and red blur” Thursday, as he bested his course record at Trump International Golf Club by a shocking 15 minutes using what many believe was a 256-bit-TURBOLinux-powered electric titanium golf cart developed by upwards of 15,000 H1-B Visa engineers who — according to PETA infiltrators dispatched from a large industrial chicken farm in The Big Bend Area — are believed to be chained to massive concrete pillars at a semi-secret skunkworks project inside the safe room at Elon Musk’s 140-car garage and charging station somewhere on the outskirts of Austin, Texas.

Murry Finkelstein — a retired art dealer from New York’s Upper West Side — told reporters that he thought he was looking at one of the largest Rothko’s he had ever seen, which if it had provenience, would be worth millions.

“But then I thought, Murry, you’re on a golf course! It’s 8:00 AM. The thing’s moving. This has to be a Christo! Hand to God, I had no idea it was President Trump!”

Early Friday, Mr Trump’s abundant Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles, affectionately known as the Aunt Bea of the incoming Trump administration, denied rumors fueled by his Kid Flash round of golf and bizarre late night Tweets about invading foreign countries that the President-Elect has an Adderall problem.

“Look, the man only sleeps two maybe three hours a week, not because he’s abusing prescribed ADHD medications, but because — as he’s said many times over the years — dreaming is just a waste of his time. Dreams aren’t real. You think they’re real at the time, but they’re not. I mean, you’re not really having a conversation with a porcupine who looks like Zelenski dressed in a tuxedo. Zelenski doesn’t wear tuxedos. And besides, unlike Joe Biden, Mr Trump doesn’t like being unconscious. He has better things to do!”

As for Mr Trump’s tweets about invading Panama and Greenland, making Canada the 51st state, and proposing that Putin sell Kamchatka to the United States, Ms Wiles had this to say:

“First, they’re not tweets, they’re truths. And second, this was an innocent mistake made by our former director of social media communications based on off-the-record remarks about geopolitical strategy Mr Trump was making to his wife Melania while they were playing a rather spirited game of RISK, and after Mrs Trump surprised the President-elect by attempting to invade the United States from Kamchatka.”

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