VEN (SOUTH BEND) — An unprecedented class action lawsuit alleging loss of consortium brought against the University of Notre Dame by thousands of disgruntled alumni following the loss to Ohio State, may have been put on hold — according to a South Bend Tribune op-ed — following the IRISH 21-14 victory over the Duke Blue Demons in Durham over the weekend with only seconds remaining in the game.
However, a senior Notre Dame alumnus who five games into the 2023 football season now identifies as a graduate of St Mary’s College, explained to reporters outside the Indiana District courthouse Monday where the lawsuit was filed that frustrations from decades of incompetent coaching came to a head in the wake of the Ohio State loss, after diversity hire Marcus Freeman inexplicably fielded only 10 men not once but twice in a row in a critical goal-line stand late in the 4th quarter which allowed Ohio State to score the winning touchdown as the Buckeyes ran left of center into the A gap where the missing down lineman should have been.
“He had the team dressed in what I would call gay, Wee Willie Winky green pajamas, like something you’d see at a rave in West Hollywood. Rushing three on a critical third and 16?? Only 10 men on the field on the goal line on back to back plays?? This is the Notre Dame football coach?? I tried to kill myself at least twice during the game. And sadly I’m not alone.”
Notre Dame spokesperson Father Anthony Fabuloso, CSC, who — according to his official Notre Dame web page is currently transitioning to a Carmelite nun named Sister Mary Margaret Gertrude Von Stein — told VEN‘s Senior Vatican II Aftermath Correspondent Malachi Martin that the university cannot comment on litigation that may or may not be ongoing in keeping with their official undeclared policy of silence, exile, casuistry, and cunning.
“We’re not Jesuits, at least not officially,” Father Anthony Sister Von Stein explained. “But of course as the good Lord knows, sometimes we rhyme.”
New York Attorney Algonquin J. Calhoun, Esq III, representing the disaffected alumni, was not as reticent.
“The lawsuit is not on hold. My clients’ loss of consortium began way back in 1996 when the university inexplicably ousted Lou Holtz — the last coach to field a national championship team — and replaced him with a bizarre series of incompetent clown hires from Bob Davie to Marcus Freeman that make George Kingfish Stevens’ hair brained scheme to get Andy to marry Sapphire’s mama so he could quit his job at the donut shop seem like a genius move!
“We believe that this Freeman character had his headset tuned to Spotify and was listening to the greatest hits of Michael Jackson, while a graduate assistant in the booth was screaming into his microphone to get another man out onto the field against Ohio State.
“I mean the man cannot count to 11? Even if he takes off one of his shoes and socks he still has problems getting to 11?
“I find that hard to believe because apparently he has no problem whatsoever counting to 7.5 million.
“And with all due respect to the future former athletic director who hired the inexperienced Mr Freeman after an exhaustive 24-hour national search — his words — it’s unlikely that forcing Mr Freeman and his coaching staff to watch Spinal Tap on Amazon Prime is going to solve this problem!”
Developing ….
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