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Dear Diary,

I am SO laughin’ my fat  lady-toned black man’s ass off, Diary, after I done did Tafari! Bitch azz down low negro tell me I lookin fly wid muh man junk taped back like Op an Ru taught me while Barry he jess stand there pullin’ up his panz like the little bitch azz punk he be!

So damn funny, Diary, I jess spilt mah Remy thinking ’bout it! O, sweet baby Jesus! Barry stammerin’ like he do and me slappin duh sh*t out his dumb ass big-earred where waldo at haid screamin’ Y’all get yow sweet boy body man Reggie out da baffroom, an get dis dead ass n***a inna paddleboat! Make it look like he drowned hisself!

Oh, Diary! Jess too damn funny! That’s the lass time he burn my wagu! Or tell me again fow the 10th time he forget to buy why truffles! And when I want a Ding Dong, Tafari, then y’all bring me a goddamn Ding Dong! Y’all don’t look at Barry to see if it OK!!

Well, y’all won’t be doin that sh*t no more!

Anyway, Diary, Barry he be cryin’ like the time Hildabeast made him blow up all them Navy Seals in Afghanistan or she tell the world he gay, so I make Reggie call 911. Then the press go crazy! I tell Barry, Damn! Wut the hell you think gwine on?? All this fuss fowa dead-ass cook?? What is wrong with these why peoples??

Oh, Diary, this as funny assah time Kaddaffi got hisself gang raped and kilt!

Or when all the why peoples believe Anita’s keeds be mine!!! Oh, I laughin so hard now, Diary, I almost rip my Spanx!

Oh, these why peoples so damn dumb!

Later, Diary.  Ima love y’all to death!

— Michael!