VEN (VATICAN) — In a shocking development, the Vatican announced late Thursday that future former apostate Pope Francis “El Sordo” Bergoglio has been taking Catholic instruction under the direction of Cardinal Tony “The Big Paraclete” Rizzo, and is expected to take his First Communion at St Peter’s Basilica later this year.

“Issa no biga deal,” Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Marco “The OG Vespasian” Collatta told reporters Friday morning. “Francis been thinkin’ bout this a longa time! I mean, sure it used to be you know customary for a pope to be Catholic, but hey, what can I tell you, it is what it is.”

Asked about the progress the pope was making with the Baltimore Catechism, Cardinal Collatta explained that The Pontiff does rely on what he referred to as sanctus fraudulentus charta provided to him by Honorary Bishop Rabbi Marvin Feinstein, but unfortunately given his age, he has a hard time remembering the various mysteries and the order of prayers when saying the rosary, but the Cardinal insisted, “he’s ah gettin’ there, he’s ah gonna be fine!”

Developing . . . .